From My Kitchen To Yours

When the premiere food critic of Buffalo asked me to come up with a dish that would 'knock the socks off a jackrabbit,' I hesitated. Should I throw together something I had just learned from one of my various cooking clubs? Or do I prepare something dear to me? Something I've been carrying around in this big brain of mine since I first learned how to cook? The answer, dear reader, is only a recipe away!

From the kitchen of Eric Mowery...

White Trash Cauliflower Bake (Preparation Time: 3 Weeks & 45 Minutes)

1 Large Head of Cauliflower
4 Cans Genny Light/Keystone (can be High Life--if it's an occasion)
1 1/3 C of Half and Half (Most coffee shops have this lying about for free)
10 oz bag of Great Value Cheddar Cheese
3 Tbsp Flour
2-3 Bottles of OV
Cabela's Dangerous Hunts for the Xbox 360
6 Diner packets of Butter (Land O Lakes is nice)
2 Tbsp Bread Crumbs
VHS Tape with (at least) 2 hours of America's Funniest Home Videos
2 Packets 'Spicy Mustard' from McDonalds
Salt & Pepper
2-6 Friends
Pinch of Nutmeg

Directions:

Start by buying a 12 Pack of Old Vienna and a case of Genny Light (or whatever you like). Call 2-6 friends and tell them that you've just purchased an array of fine beverages, just found an old VHS tape of Bob Sagat-Era America's Funniest Home Video episodes, and have just purchased Cabela's Dangerous Hunts for your 360. When friends agree to come over, have them stop at McDonald's and buy you some Chicken strips. Make sure they get at least 6 packets of Spicy Mustard dipping sauce (this will be important later).

Proceed to play games, drink, and eat BUT keep in mind that you will need some of those beers and sauce packets for later. Have fun.


After a week and a half goes by, call up an Ex-girlfriend (works best with an Ex) and start talking about  
the 'good old days.' When ex-girlfriend informs you of her new boyfriend, start an argument with her. Hang up. Call up an 'old flame' (works best with an old flame) and ask her if she wants to come over. When she tells you to 'get a life,' hang up the phone and finish off the remaining bottles of OV and Genny Light. You won't get drunk (probably) but you will feel the need to get a cup of Diner coffee to get rid of frontal lobe headache. Call 1-2 friend(s) and have someone pick you up. While at diner, secure butter packets and creamer, if available. DO NOT attempt to put creamer in pocket. Pocket will get wet and you will lose your creamer. 


Wake up the next day and examine life. 


Later that day preheat oven to 450 degrees. Trim cauliflower and break into small florets (or 'brainy looking chunks'). Boil cauliflower in salted water for 15 minutes. Cauliflower should be soft, not mushy.


Drain in Colander (bowel with holes in it) and place in a buttered baking dish. 


Get out one of your roommates saucepans and pour Half & Half into it. Remove butter from packets and flick them into liquid. Stir in flour.


Heat mixture until it boils. Whisk it! until it thickens.


Add almost whole bag of cheese, mustard, and nutmeg to mixture. Salt and Pepper, too (but go easy).


Cook for another minute and then pour all that shit over Cauliflower. Dump the rest of the cheese and the Bread Crumbs on top. Throw that bitch in the oven. Simultaneously, start an episode of (Family Guy. Insert name of terrible show here). Watch episode. During end credits of episode, take Cauliflower out of oven.


Call up 3-6 friends. "I just made Cheddar Cauliflower Bake. Get your ass over here." Pause for laughter. Don't forget to tell them to pick up a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Enjoy.

From my Kitchen to yours!






                                           Bone Appetite!